xfearxhatexdeathx

i am more than ready to be leaving san francisco. the smells of pee and food and eucalyptus and pee again and then you realize there are so many people yelling and cars driving and dogs barking and doors clanging and banging, plussss you are seeing all this shit just whiz by just totally whiz by in every direction at every speed and do i know that person and watch out! and what the fuck was that??? plus walking on concrete and dog poop so so much. i'm tired of it. i'm tired of feeling kinda like an imposition even though also i'm feeling imposed upon by so much. i'm tired of being surrounded by people all the time and it all being so unreal so virtual whatever and and i'm tired of seeing so many people that are real and not really having anything new or interesting or creative to say! ugh, i'm tired of not sleeping enough and drinking too much coffee and eating like shit and holding my pee and having a sore throat.

***this is a happy post

last night i was gonna write all this great stuff even though i was kinda not feeling it but the internet was not operating well. tonight i am feeling great, just exhausted. live free or die. don't tread on me.

i am about to embark on the real adventurous part of my trip, like not eating shitty food that i payed for and riding greyhound busses and staying on my friends' nice apartment's couches but like travelling travelling. its been slowly taking steps towards this but now my trip has finally reached this whole other thing entirely. i guess maybe stage would be an appropriate way to classify it a whole other stage. its really really exciting and also really really scary to not know where i'll be or how i'll get there. but mostly really exciting.

every night when i'm going to bed i still listen to lectures but before that i take a couple minutes to think about one or two friends that i miss and all the good things i love about them and all the things that piss me off but i secretly love about them. then i move on to having conversations with them in my head where i tell them stuff like "i've always loved you so much but never feel comfortable telling you face to face, i don't know why it just seems hard, that kinda thing always gets choked up in my throat, kinda feels like sand in there and also my eyes get watery and start to burn. i think cause i think about my mom crying out the words 'i love you' to me one time when she was really really sad because her and dad were getting seperated and it hurt her so much to think that i wouldn't know that she loved me and that it wasn't about me. my mom is really emotional or i guess we all are huh, but she is really expressive with her emotions, and i always admired that but have had such a hard time with it myself. i used to cry so hard and so long whenever she was crying and she would cry at really really big things, yeah, but also really really small things like movies and stuff. i used to cry a lot for a lot of different reasons, actually. maybe i never learned the halfway point, all or nothing you know? i don't know, i just know i have a really hard time telling you how i really feel about you, that i love you so much endlessly and i guess i should work on that" and they say "nah dude, i could see it in your eyes" and it wouldn't be some thing we were both just saying cause i felt obligated to out of some fear that they have fear that its not really true cause really my eyes showed the love i have for them and that love shot straight into their eyes and there was no way of faking that kind of thing there was no way of speaking that kind of thing even, it just was known, indescribably, and it was a transcendent way of communicating all that words never mean, it was simply the truth. then i think about the future and get so excited i wake up a little bit and that's when i put on my headphones so i can fall back asleep.