mr jick brahldeen usa vs. mrs. aunty leeza za soahld-toatie

this is a post where most of the stuff i will talk about was already talked about in a conversation. in posting conversational content i wish to avoid any feeling that such reproduction in any way invalidates the intimacy and trust that were needed to express these ideas in the first place.

i'm having a great time here in slo, but oh man it is really hard. for maybe the first time ever, no, there's been a few other times, but the first time in a really really long time i have found a pre-existing community of friends who have been honest and full of love enough to welcome me whole-heartedly and make me feel comfortable enough to be who i really am around them. its really hard though. i feel like the vulnerability i have been feeling (as posted previously) with this travel has only been honestly exposed to one person with whom i've felt safe enough to share openly with, maryjane. i have so many fucking friend crushes right now, its insane, i'm dying to get to a place where i can have intimate relationships with these people, but that takes time, time to break down walls and build trust in their place. i want to share my love with them so badly, my chest feels like its going to explode everytime i talk to any one of these kids, and i can see the warmth in their eyes, know what their capable of from the interactions they have with eachother, and want so badly to go further and deeper. at the same time that i am feeling this desire pulsating within me, i also feel so much pressure with maryjane, the only one here who i've in anyway opened up to. rightfully so, we haven't broken down enough walls yet either though, and there's been major disconnections in our communicating. i feel pressured to prove to her the person that i know that i am, which ends up in contrived and forced communication and difficulty allowing myself to relate to her. its hard to prove that i might not always have the right thing to say, but i will never give up trying to learn what is needed, and i will never give up trying to support my friends. its easy to see the love that i am capable of having when i'm in santa fe, surrounded by people who know me. its easy to see when watching me interact with those who i share so much love with, but out here, to these kids, i'm a blank slate with no history, no background, no connections to their lives, no sources or examples to verify my identity. i know who i am. i know that i am a committed friend, i know that i will love forever, that i will never forget my friends. how do you show, in three days, all that you are, all that you believe, all that you are capable of? its just not possible, i know this.

love is the human's greatest characteristic, greatest potential, greatest purpose. supreme above all else, we are alive to love. we are alive to create communion with eachother, to create bonds that will not break. we must strive for nothing greater, for there is nothing greater. we must commit ourselves to seek out new homes for our love, we must commit ourselves to continue to share with the homes we have already found for our love. there is no end, no finite amount of all the love that we are, it is endless, and only increases with that which we put out into the world. to me, as i've talked about with a few people, this is a process of breaking down walls. walls confuse and obscure communication. communication is the vehicle in which we transport our love, and the better the vehicle, the more pure and true our love can be shared. this is a "demand for fullness and intensity" of love. so we must commit to communication, commit to increasing both the quantity and the quality of our communication. we are always able to improve in this capacity, and must always work towards it.