Monday, April 27, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
being is becoming/there is no "away"
a few nights ago i dreamed that my penis was a hoe, or rather, it could be used as one. i fucked the dry earth, in rows, in order to clear the garden of all the unwanted weeds. now what do you suppose this means?
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
please tell me how to get my zen on
lately i have been experiencing my very strong tendency to not let go of shit. i've been working on being small, being meek, being completely reactionless. this, it turns out, is a lot harder for me than i had generally assumed, before i got out here. have you ever tried to not defend yourself when you felt attacked? its turning out to be quite the difficult challenge.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
post war animation
dirty fucked up hands. blisters, scratches, scrapes. too many scars to count and beginning to lose count of the gashes and cuts that will become scars before long. dirt stains. dirt in the creases of my knuckles probly not gonna come out till november. scratchy stiff and sore. infected. and swollen. and bruised. tired.
the days have been diverse, but still tied together on one thematic string. work and food and movement and rest. my eyes get heavy at about the same time more or less give or take every night, 7:30. my eyes open up at about the same time more or less give or take every morning, 6. between this time i have been trying to stay focused on knowing what's happening, but its pretty vague, though i know its something, yes something's definitely happening cause i'm waking up every day, every morning so bright and early, with very distinct emotions flooding every pore of my skin, i can feel them in my joints when my bones begin to move up and up and up and out. everything seems cloudy and i don't really know what's been happening at all, but certainly i know because i can feel it i can actually physically feel it so purely, i know somethings been happening. so i'm working on that. once i've put all the effort and energy into that i move on to consume some carbohydrates, some protien, and maybe some nutrients. sometimes coffee. sometimes tea. sometimes i stay sleepy for a while longer until the crisp and frosty air stings my lungs and the bald spot behind my ears. until the thawing sun is warm enough to melt away the pain of all ten frozen fingertips or rather both whole hands, as well as all ten frozen toes or sometimes even both whole feet which are more often than not inside of shoes that are still wet from the gobs of saved up and also frozen mud. in the brisk mountain mornings, apendages tend feel more like the lifeless rocks i've been trying so damned hard to dig out of the soil of the gopher beds i made.
usually about noon, if i'm working alone on a project that doesn't require total attention, like cutting small strips of wood (stickers) on the table saw (one of the most frightening and disturbingly violent machines i've ever encountered), i start to think about lots of things. i'd say i try to think mostly about patience, about acceptance, about being humbled. sometimes i think about the past, and sometimes i think about the future, but mostly i try to stay thinking about what's right now. i think about theoretical worlds, like, what would it look like if this thing were this way instead of that. i think about the goats and how i'm starting to really like them, especially louie cause he's got a mohawk black stripe and he's always trying to break free and he's also always the one to be jumping around goofing off and doing funny moves and making funny faces and he doesn't wine that much but he'll get loud if he wants to. i think about the weather. i think about the time. i think a lot about my hands.
the days have been diverse, but still tied together on one thematic string. work and food and movement and rest. my eyes get heavy at about the same time more or less give or take every night, 7:30. my eyes open up at about the same time more or less give or take every morning, 6. between this time i have been trying to stay focused on knowing what's happening, but its pretty vague, though i know its something, yes something's definitely happening cause i'm waking up every day, every morning so bright and early, with very distinct emotions flooding every pore of my skin, i can feel them in my joints when my bones begin to move up and up and up and out. everything seems cloudy and i don't really know what's been happening at all, but certainly i know because i can feel it i can actually physically feel it so purely, i know somethings been happening. so i'm working on that. once i've put all the effort and energy into that i move on to consume some carbohydrates, some protien, and maybe some nutrients. sometimes coffee. sometimes tea. sometimes i stay sleepy for a while longer until the crisp and frosty air stings my lungs and the bald spot behind my ears. until the thawing sun is warm enough to melt away the pain of all ten frozen fingertips or rather both whole hands, as well as all ten frozen toes or sometimes even both whole feet which are more often than not inside of shoes that are still wet from the gobs of saved up and also frozen mud. in the brisk mountain mornings, apendages tend feel more like the lifeless rocks i've been trying so damned hard to dig out of the soil of the gopher beds i made.
usually about noon, if i'm working alone on a project that doesn't require total attention, like cutting small strips of wood (stickers) on the table saw (one of the most frightening and disturbingly violent machines i've ever encountered), i start to think about lots of things. i'd say i try to think mostly about patience, about acceptance, about being humbled. sometimes i think about the past, and sometimes i think about the future, but mostly i try to stay thinking about what's right now. i think about theoretical worlds, like, what would it look like if this thing were this way instead of that. i think about the goats and how i'm starting to really like them, especially louie cause he's got a mohawk black stripe and he's always trying to break free and he's also always the one to be jumping around goofing off and doing funny moves and making funny faces and he doesn't wine that much but he'll get loud if he wants to. i think about the weather. i think about the time. i think a lot about my hands.
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