standing by stuff and dressing up in other, which isn't all that out of the ordinary or even too notable, except now i have a moustache

420505PIZZIAPIZZIAPIZZIA (SEE: drawings of three balled dicks, dirty pictures, and being taken aback)

in what just may be the last blog i will ever write in san francisco, i will describe in very little detail what was, a mere 2 minutes ago, transpiring:

-missing friends so fucking much i almost can't take it. wishing i had never signed up for a facebook account knowing i'll spend (as i already have) way too much time looking at other people's pictures and wishing i was in them and instead of pictures they were actually reality and also happening right now. missing friends so bad, oh my god.

-in an effort to distract myself, i've been watching as many micheal jordan and ken griffey jr. highlight reels as possible, which would be working, if only the load times weren't so damned slow.

sunday i am leaving for portland, which i am very excited about, for reasons like: a) getting to hang out with all the gazillion friends that i love a whole lot that live there, and b) i can't really think of any other reasons why i am or would or should or could be excited about going to portland, though certainly that should in no way detract from the fact that i am very excited to go to portland. its just. . . i will hopefully be on a farm learning lots and working so hard within the next week or two. i'm hoping. so much.

posting up and throwing a tear down (see: overuse of the comma)

i think, as far as concsiously fabricated identities go, that beach casual was really only a stepping stone to much greater things, and that really what needs to be on everyone's minds these days, what's really going to catch on like wildfire before anyone really knows what's going on, (and this right here is your preliminary, but post-introduction-to-the-world, warning), is a little thing i've taken to calling: "ranchero".

today i called lee and left her a message but the message went on way too long so i ran out of time so at the end of it, the condescendingly nice "voicemailbox" (one word?? fuckin a) lady who had previously introduced me to lee's "voicemailbox" told me essentially that i had wasted way too much time blathering on and on for the majority of the message, not really saying anything at all, leaving a message that was niether pertinent, coherent, concise, nor in any way succinct (paraphrasing here) and that i had the option to leave the message as is, erase it and try again, or listen to it in full, just in case i wanted to hammer down the point further, that i am in fact an idiot incapable of just yet residing in a world of adulthood and maturity and professionalism. i, of course, chose the most latter of options, and in response to the voicemailbox lady's snide remarks, decided it best that i had better try my luck at it again, should probably think about what i was attempting to say beforehand, rather than any kind of improvisational method that i had heretofore relied upon or applied for message-leaving, which up to now i had believed to be comical or charming or in some way inspiring affection or at the very least warm sympathy. [this desire for self growth obviously arising out ofp of my mostly secret eternal and everlasting quest to be better than all other people at everything one could possibly do in life, ever. there may however be a few minor exceptions to this list, such as eating asparagus for example, or, say, wearing clean underwear; things i obviously have no aspirations of ever improving at]. for maybe the first time ever but certainly the first time in a really really long time i found myself listening to a message that i, matt smith, had left. the effect was profound and disturbing and enlightening and grounding all at the same time. so i left another message. once again the pleasant voice rang out in my ears that i was still, officially and unequivicably, not capable of getting to the point. so i left another message. again. this time however, about halfway through, i became distinctly aware of the lack of time remaining and my incredible inability to uh, rap it up (pertinently, coherently, concisely, or even in any way succintly), so i intuitively began to leave the message for myself, instinctively foreseeing or more, phophetically envisioning, the future (albeit the very near future). it was i, me, matt smith who would be the recipient of this long and rather dull recording of my, i's, matt smith's, voice, closing the message with a little memorandum about the ridiculous nature of the actions in which i was participating, directed at myself, or me, or matt smith. the next message i created was strictly aimed at communicating to myself, chocked full of mentions of the hilarity but maybe difficult implications and questions that arose about such a thing that one would do, while also several times mentioning positive qualities that i believed me or i or matt smith to possess, or rather that characterize him, or me. or I. upon listening to this most recent message, i rather quickly became aware of the emotional responses i was experiencing in relation to the statements that i was making to myself. its really a bizarre phenomenon to complement oneself and react to that message of flattery as if it were a totally spontaneous thing one were hearing for the first time and coming from someone outside of myself, someone whose opinion i have respect for, thus granting the message validity. all the while, through all of these messages, more than anything i'm just totally fucking wigging out on how different i thought my voice sounded this whole time. you're right, my lisp is kind of endearing. . .


after finally deleting all these messages and finally just telling lee to call me back, i finally sat back and pondered the impact of losing the game of scrabble i played last with adam, and the potential for hilarity in excessive self confidence. but don't worry, this is not a thing. . .

well, not like ranchero is going to be a thing, or rather, THE thing. . .

no gods no mattresses

been in san francisco a few days, more or less holed up inside the house reading about farms and farming or running errands with the housemates. aside from the great beard shave off that happened a few days ago at willy's barbershop in the mission, very little interaction with the city. i spent a few hours today finally emailing farms i'd like to spend the summer on, and now, having completed (to a large extent) what i'd been working on, the pressure of procrastination-associated-guilt has lifted and now left me with a somewhat uneasy feeling of waiting and hoping that that which is out of my control will work itself out.

deep leap zine release party last night. i had pretty much little to no interest of spending my evening around a lot of people that i knew at best peripherally, if at all, now that i'm fully marinating in the confusing stew of another round of transition. i found it pretty hard to be earnest and present with anyone in any of the interactions i had with the many friends of friends, without just talking about how "yeah, um, i really like, wanna work on a farm". i was hiding out in the back corner when i was approached by sierra or silvia or something, a girl i recognized immediately but could not place from where. she "didn't know anyone here and so. . ." she said to me. i uncomfortably babbled out a few random things that were, as i'm sure was obvious to more than myself, forced and mumbled, while nervously stuffing my face with trailmix, realizing later what it is to have a conversation with someone who is disgustingly preoccupied with pouring shards of nuts and cranberries in and around their mustachioed mouth. i think it was still comforting to be a social lifeboat when i was arguably way more desperate for a social lifeboat of my own. but it was ok. the gathering wasn't panic and fear inducing like it would have been a month before, more it was just boring, and the real problem was that i couldn't find the inspiration to search out something that actually held any interest for me.

i'm pretty chubby these days. well, more chubby than i was a year ago, or 6 months ago, or even 2 months ago. and kinda loving it. i love eating 4 slices of pizza without guilt and looking down at my belly and feeling its rounded edges slightly or maybe not so slightly spilling over my pants. scratching my chest at night and feeling the soft padded flesh stretching smooth. not so many angled shadows of well defined muscle appear when i take my shirt of to get in the shower, instead light tends to spread out and glow around the gentle curvature. the mirror doesn't scorn me anymore. it doesn't tell me i'm not ok like this, in this body, that i need to change. its just a mirror now.

in somewhat related news i eat so many pbjs. i heard that gw bush's favorite food is the pbj. that at fancy luncheons with foriegn heads of states, diplomats, executives, whoever, the staff will prepare exquisite 3 course gourmet meals for the guests and gw will get a plate with absolutely nothing else on it, no garnish no side salad no nothing, just a good old fashioned peanut butter and jelly sandwich lying bare and plain and cut down the middle. i wonder if he likes it cut vertically or diagonally.

beard be gone!

may every giggle be filled to the brim with lust

today i'm leaving slo for san francisco. i'm learning slowly about my limits, about living within them, without giving up. i'm learning slowly about how i feel, and priviledging what's inside of me, not giving these feelings any origin outside of myself. i'm learning about my needs, learning how to distinguish between wants and desires, and necessities that are i require. learning to listen to myself more honestly. giving up "in order to. . ." i'm learning about drawing power only from myself, not forgetting but losing the connection to the things that have brought me here as a source of self worth, not developing identity based on tangible shit that in all actuality bears no significance on who i am as a person. i'm learning how to improve or even altogether lose my estimations of people, no more overestimating, credit based outside another's heart, no more underestimating, feeling paternal and more powerful. i'm leaving today because i want to.

gimme those knucks or "how i think a lot of things are 'important' for 'us'."

i think you should all start blogs. they can be secret and only i will read them or others if you want to tell them too, but i think it can be such an excellent way to connect, it is the future after all. and if we're working towards evolving in our communication, what better way than the information SUPERHIGHWAY???

i've been really really doing it lately oh man. productive, that is. trying to push myself to do new things, to do necessary things that i put off, to do unneccessary things that for i've avoided because i could. here's a list of san luis obispo things i have done:

-gone jogging
-made juggling balls out of rice and balloons
-worn a dress all night at a party with sooo many people i've known for a max of 3 days, and danced my damned arse of in the middle of it all
-trued a bike wheel just for the heck of it
-blew the pants off some dang californians with vegan enchiladas
-meditated
-cleaned sooo many dishes
-orchestrated a joke swap in a really awkward down time at a show, though with a little more confidence it could have gone a little bit better. still pretty good though. . .
+ a whole lot more i can't quite think of right now

i was having a conversation tonight about people who join the military and some people were taking the hard line radical attitude, "if they join the military, they're willingly signing up to take part in violence and that's fucked" etc etc and i found myself thinking in a flashback to a conversation with lee, about the worth of self worth, self esteem, believing in oneself. its really important. we all need to work on developing it, and we all need to find ways to support eachother in developing it, because somewhere, even when it hides in the deepest recesses, there is potential in humans for so many great things, it just sometimes lays dormant behind some really tough walls, one so much of the time being the voice that tells us we're not worth anything, we're not capable of anything, we're not meaningful(l), and this can really create some fucked up traits some fucked up beliefs and some fucked up behavior.

this has led me back to a theme that's ran through my thinking all week, the importance of work, and the broad spectrum of things that fall under this vague category of human action. the validity of self work. the importance and necessity of self work. i think i get down on myself a lot for not working hard enough "collectively" or "socially" or "politically" or whatever, but i'm more and more realizing how legitimate a form of 'work' it is to work on oneself, to dig and dig and dig and still deeper, dig. to root out all the shit that isn't us, all the shit we've been taught, all the shit we've created that doesn't belong, or isn't real (the stories we create). to root out the 'superego' (i end up questioning how appropriate the use of freudian [or whatever] language is, as well as my ability to use it properly, but in this concept it works pretty well as a mediator) to the point where we ourselves have a say on what's going on, or at least to be aware of what's going on, the tendencies toward judgement that is not based inside of us, the tendencies towards self loathing, so many tendencies that lead to objectionable ends. to understand the id and all our internal drives and desires (that may or may not have memory or have evolved or be linked to any time place person or group or archetype, depending on your personal opinion. personally, at this time i think its entertaining to at least speculate and theorize about such potentialities). to focus our ego so that we may make informed and intentional decisions. "quarterbacking our life" (vince). and i don't think this process should ever stop. along with this internal work, i've been thinking about the importance of relationship work, not just romantic involvements, but all relationships. to work towards improving how we relate to one another. which is a work of discovery, of exploration, of learning just what exactly it means to relate to another human, and the process of that relation, and figuring out a vision for the specific characteristics of the relations that we really and truly desire. putting that vision into practice. its really hard. i was talking to this kid matt about how hard it is to be open and honest about how hard it is to put our flaws out in the open. and how important it is to have the kind of relationships where criticism has a safe and nonconfrontational space to exist. its the best way to grow. we have so much potential to improve the ways we live our lives, but we must grow.

sleeping so little so little so little. goodnight world its 3 am again.

thank you for letting me organize my thoughts via imagining you reading them

mr jick brahldeen usa vs. mrs. aunty leeza za soahld-toatie

this is a post where most of the stuff i will talk about was already talked about in a conversation. in posting conversational content i wish to avoid any feeling that such reproduction in any way invalidates the intimacy and trust that were needed to express these ideas in the first place.

i'm having a great time here in slo, but oh man it is really hard. for maybe the first time ever, no, there's been a few other times, but the first time in a really really long time i have found a pre-existing community of friends who have been honest and full of love enough to welcome me whole-heartedly and make me feel comfortable enough to be who i really am around them. its really hard though. i feel like the vulnerability i have been feeling (as posted previously) with this travel has only been honestly exposed to one person with whom i've felt safe enough to share openly with, maryjane. i have so many fucking friend crushes right now, its insane, i'm dying to get to a place where i can have intimate relationships with these people, but that takes time, time to break down walls and build trust in their place. i want to share my love with them so badly, my chest feels like its going to explode everytime i talk to any one of these kids, and i can see the warmth in their eyes, know what their capable of from the interactions they have with eachother, and want so badly to go further and deeper. at the same time that i am feeling this desire pulsating within me, i also feel so much pressure with maryjane, the only one here who i've in anyway opened up to. rightfully so, we haven't broken down enough walls yet either though, and there's been major disconnections in our communicating. i feel pressured to prove to her the person that i know that i am, which ends up in contrived and forced communication and difficulty allowing myself to relate to her. its hard to prove that i might not always have the right thing to say, but i will never give up trying to learn what is needed, and i will never give up trying to support my friends. its easy to see the love that i am capable of having when i'm in santa fe, surrounded by people who know me. its easy to see when watching me interact with those who i share so much love with, but out here, to these kids, i'm a blank slate with no history, no background, no connections to their lives, no sources or examples to verify my identity. i know who i am. i know that i am a committed friend, i know that i will love forever, that i will never forget my friends. how do you show, in three days, all that you are, all that you believe, all that you are capable of? its just not possible, i know this.

love is the human's greatest characteristic, greatest potential, greatest purpose. supreme above all else, we are alive to love. we are alive to create communion with eachother, to create bonds that will not break. we must strive for nothing greater, for there is nothing greater. we must commit ourselves to seek out new homes for our love, we must commit ourselves to continue to share with the homes we have already found for our love. there is no end, no finite amount of all the love that we are, it is endless, and only increases with that which we put out into the world. to me, as i've talked about with a few people, this is a process of breaking down walls. walls confuse and obscure communication. communication is the vehicle in which we transport our love, and the better the vehicle, the more pure and true our love can be shared. this is a "demand for fullness and intensity" of love. so we must commit to communication, commit to increasing both the quantity and the quality of our communication. we are always able to improve in this capacity, and must always work towards it.

being having doing

so so so much! physical details of the trip or mental thoughts? ummmm. . . ok

today i re read a letter from katie nels where she brought up the beauty of the often times painful vulnerability one feels when one goes on an excursion such as mine. i've been really swimming in an overwhelming amount of "freedom", both internal and external. yesterday, trying to hitch a ride out of gilroy, ca, after hours of walking with a 40+ lb pack on my back, i was suddenly overcome with intense desires to dance uncontrollably in the setting sun, in the face of hundreds of rush hour commuters. i soon realized it was harder to dance when there's no music in the air, so i then began whistling, which progressed to humming, which then progressed into the loudest most boisterous freestyled lyrics singing i have ever taken part in. so yeah, the feeling of freedom literally sweeping me off my feet. and yet. somehow still so open, so raw, so completely vulnerable i could have begun crying at almost any point in the day. after camping out by the freeway, i was promptly picked up this morning within an half of an hour, taken to paso robles, then catching a greyhound bus that i didn't end up paying for, ending up smack dab in the middle of california, san luis obispo (hometown of zac effron). i made my way to the house that maryjane (my travel partner/intentional friend noted in a previous post) has been staying at, and was bombarded with new faces, probably 20 throughout the course of the day. obviously, if i wasn't feeling vulnerable before, now came the familiar squish of fear and anxiety characterized by excessive timidity, dry froggy throat, nervous glances, and way too many ciggie breaks. already though. . . its amazing to think that something like the "punk scene" can exist in such a rejecting and isolating world. actually, on second thought, probably a pretty expected reaction. within hours of being here i am starting to feel the warm tinges of new friendship burning their way into my heart.

in somewhat related news: i've been thinking about how boys/guys/dudes/men relate to eachother, how insanely taboo it is for a male to express emotion to another, to be sincere, genuine, AUTHENTIC. i've experienced so much of this travelling around the country, spending time with so so many dudes, both new and old. it definitely makes so clear how incredibly fortunate i am to have the friends that i do have, as luckily i really feel like i am surrounded with a bunch of totally solid guys who aren't afraid of that shit at all.

here's a statement i'd like to make:

i really like the idea that despite the world being a completely meaningless void, we as humans are capable of being guided by love to find meaning and hope in each other.

xfearxhatexdeathx

i am more than ready to be leaving san francisco. the smells of pee and food and eucalyptus and pee again and then you realize there are so many people yelling and cars driving and dogs barking and doors clanging and banging, plussss you are seeing all this shit just whiz by just totally whiz by in every direction at every speed and do i know that person and watch out! and what the fuck was that??? plus walking on concrete and dog poop so so much. i'm tired of it. i'm tired of feeling kinda like an imposition even though also i'm feeling imposed upon by so much. i'm tired of being surrounded by people all the time and it all being so unreal so virtual whatever and and i'm tired of seeing so many people that are real and not really having anything new or interesting or creative to say! ugh, i'm tired of not sleeping enough and drinking too much coffee and eating like shit and holding my pee and having a sore throat.

***this is a happy post

last night i was gonna write all this great stuff even though i was kinda not feeling it but the internet was not operating well. tonight i am feeling great, just exhausted. live free or die. don't tread on me.

i am about to embark on the real adventurous part of my trip, like not eating shitty food that i payed for and riding greyhound busses and staying on my friends' nice apartment's couches but like travelling travelling. its been slowly taking steps towards this but now my trip has finally reached this whole other thing entirely. i guess maybe stage would be an appropriate way to classify it a whole other stage. its really really exciting and also really really scary to not know where i'll be or how i'll get there. but mostly really exciting.

every night when i'm going to bed i still listen to lectures but before that i take a couple minutes to think about one or two friends that i miss and all the good things i love about them and all the things that piss me off but i secretly love about them. then i move on to having conversations with them in my head where i tell them stuff like "i've always loved you so much but never feel comfortable telling you face to face, i don't know why it just seems hard, that kinda thing always gets choked up in my throat, kinda feels like sand in there and also my eyes get watery and start to burn. i think cause i think about my mom crying out the words 'i love you' to me one time when she was really really sad because her and dad were getting seperated and it hurt her so much to think that i wouldn't know that she loved me and that it wasn't about me. my mom is really emotional or i guess we all are huh, but she is really expressive with her emotions, and i always admired that but have had such a hard time with it myself. i used to cry so hard and so long whenever she was crying and she would cry at really really big things, yeah, but also really really small things like movies and stuff. i used to cry a lot for a lot of different reasons, actually. maybe i never learned the halfway point, all or nothing you know? i don't know, i just know i have a really hard time telling you how i really feel about you, that i love you so much endlessly and i guess i should work on that" and they say "nah dude, i could see it in your eyes" and it wouldn't be some thing we were both just saying cause i felt obligated to out of some fear that they have fear that its not really true cause really my eyes showed the love i have for them and that love shot straight into their eyes and there was no way of faking that kind of thing there was no way of speaking that kind of thing even, it just was known, indescribably, and it was a transcendent way of communicating all that words never mean, it was simply the truth. then i think about the future and get so excited i wake up a little bit and that's when i put on my headphones so i can fall back asleep.