no gods no mattresses

been in san francisco a few days, more or less holed up inside the house reading about farms and farming or running errands with the housemates. aside from the great beard shave off that happened a few days ago at willy's barbershop in the mission, very little interaction with the city. i spent a few hours today finally emailing farms i'd like to spend the summer on, and now, having completed (to a large extent) what i'd been working on, the pressure of procrastination-associated-guilt has lifted and now left me with a somewhat uneasy feeling of waiting and hoping that that which is out of my control will work itself out.

deep leap zine release party last night. i had pretty much little to no interest of spending my evening around a lot of people that i knew at best peripherally, if at all, now that i'm fully marinating in the confusing stew of another round of transition. i found it pretty hard to be earnest and present with anyone in any of the interactions i had with the many friends of friends, without just talking about how "yeah, um, i really like, wanna work on a farm". i was hiding out in the back corner when i was approached by sierra or silvia or something, a girl i recognized immediately but could not place from where. she "didn't know anyone here and so. . ." she said to me. i uncomfortably babbled out a few random things that were, as i'm sure was obvious to more than myself, forced and mumbled, while nervously stuffing my face with trailmix, realizing later what it is to have a conversation with someone who is disgustingly preoccupied with pouring shards of nuts and cranberries in and around their mustachioed mouth. i think it was still comforting to be a social lifeboat when i was arguably way more desperate for a social lifeboat of my own. but it was ok. the gathering wasn't panic and fear inducing like it would have been a month before, more it was just boring, and the real problem was that i couldn't find the inspiration to search out something that actually held any interest for me.

i'm pretty chubby these days. well, more chubby than i was a year ago, or 6 months ago, or even 2 months ago. and kinda loving it. i love eating 4 slices of pizza without guilt and looking down at my belly and feeling its rounded edges slightly or maybe not so slightly spilling over my pants. scratching my chest at night and feeling the soft padded flesh stretching smooth. not so many angled shadows of well defined muscle appear when i take my shirt of to get in the shower, instead light tends to spread out and glow around the gentle curvature. the mirror doesn't scorn me anymore. it doesn't tell me i'm not ok like this, in this body, that i need to change. its just a mirror now.

in somewhat related news i eat so many pbjs. i heard that gw bush's favorite food is the pbj. that at fancy luncheons with foriegn heads of states, diplomats, executives, whoever, the staff will prepare exquisite 3 course gourmet meals for the guests and gw will get a plate with absolutely nothing else on it, no garnish no side salad no nothing, just a good old fashioned peanut butter and jelly sandwich lying bare and plain and cut down the middle. i wonder if he likes it cut vertically or diagonally.