gimme those knucks or "how i think a lot of things are 'important' for 'us'."

i think you should all start blogs. they can be secret and only i will read them or others if you want to tell them too, but i think it can be such an excellent way to connect, it is the future after all. and if we're working towards evolving in our communication, what better way than the information SUPERHIGHWAY???

i've been really really doing it lately oh man. productive, that is. trying to push myself to do new things, to do necessary things that i put off, to do unneccessary things that for i've avoided because i could. here's a list of san luis obispo things i have done:

-gone jogging
-made juggling balls out of rice and balloons
-worn a dress all night at a party with sooo many people i've known for a max of 3 days, and danced my damned arse of in the middle of it all
-trued a bike wheel just for the heck of it
-blew the pants off some dang californians with vegan enchiladas
-meditated
-cleaned sooo many dishes
-orchestrated a joke swap in a really awkward down time at a show, though with a little more confidence it could have gone a little bit better. still pretty good though. . .
+ a whole lot more i can't quite think of right now

i was having a conversation tonight about people who join the military and some people were taking the hard line radical attitude, "if they join the military, they're willingly signing up to take part in violence and that's fucked" etc etc and i found myself thinking in a flashback to a conversation with lee, about the worth of self worth, self esteem, believing in oneself. its really important. we all need to work on developing it, and we all need to find ways to support eachother in developing it, because somewhere, even when it hides in the deepest recesses, there is potential in humans for so many great things, it just sometimes lays dormant behind some really tough walls, one so much of the time being the voice that tells us we're not worth anything, we're not capable of anything, we're not meaningful(l), and this can really create some fucked up traits some fucked up beliefs and some fucked up behavior.

this has led me back to a theme that's ran through my thinking all week, the importance of work, and the broad spectrum of things that fall under this vague category of human action. the validity of self work. the importance and necessity of self work. i think i get down on myself a lot for not working hard enough "collectively" or "socially" or "politically" or whatever, but i'm more and more realizing how legitimate a form of 'work' it is to work on oneself, to dig and dig and dig and still deeper, dig. to root out all the shit that isn't us, all the shit we've been taught, all the shit we've created that doesn't belong, or isn't real (the stories we create). to root out the 'superego' (i end up questioning how appropriate the use of freudian [or whatever] language is, as well as my ability to use it properly, but in this concept it works pretty well as a mediator) to the point where we ourselves have a say on what's going on, or at least to be aware of what's going on, the tendencies toward judgement that is not based inside of us, the tendencies towards self loathing, so many tendencies that lead to objectionable ends. to understand the id and all our internal drives and desires (that may or may not have memory or have evolved or be linked to any time place person or group or archetype, depending on your personal opinion. personally, at this time i think its entertaining to at least speculate and theorize about such potentialities). to focus our ego so that we may make informed and intentional decisions. "quarterbacking our life" (vince). and i don't think this process should ever stop. along with this internal work, i've been thinking about the importance of relationship work, not just romantic involvements, but all relationships. to work towards improving how we relate to one another. which is a work of discovery, of exploration, of learning just what exactly it means to relate to another human, and the process of that relation, and figuring out a vision for the specific characteristics of the relations that we really and truly desire. putting that vision into practice. its really hard. i was talking to this kid matt about how hard it is to be open and honest about how hard it is to put our flaws out in the open. and how important it is to have the kind of relationships where criticism has a safe and nonconfrontational space to exist. its the best way to grow. we have so much potential to improve the ways we live our lives, but we must grow.

sleeping so little so little so little. goodnight world its 3 am again.

thank you for letting me organize my thoughts via imagining you reading them