being having doing

so so so much! physical details of the trip or mental thoughts? ummmm. . . ok

today i re read a letter from katie nels where she brought up the beauty of the often times painful vulnerability one feels when one goes on an excursion such as mine. i've been really swimming in an overwhelming amount of "freedom", both internal and external. yesterday, trying to hitch a ride out of gilroy, ca, after hours of walking with a 40+ lb pack on my back, i was suddenly overcome with intense desires to dance uncontrollably in the setting sun, in the face of hundreds of rush hour commuters. i soon realized it was harder to dance when there's no music in the air, so i then began whistling, which progressed to humming, which then progressed into the loudest most boisterous freestyled lyrics singing i have ever taken part in. so yeah, the feeling of freedom literally sweeping me off my feet. and yet. somehow still so open, so raw, so completely vulnerable i could have begun crying at almost any point in the day. after camping out by the freeway, i was promptly picked up this morning within an half of an hour, taken to paso robles, then catching a greyhound bus that i didn't end up paying for, ending up smack dab in the middle of california, san luis obispo (hometown of zac effron). i made my way to the house that maryjane (my travel partner/intentional friend noted in a previous post) has been staying at, and was bombarded with new faces, probably 20 throughout the course of the day. obviously, if i wasn't feeling vulnerable before, now came the familiar squish of fear and anxiety characterized by excessive timidity, dry froggy throat, nervous glances, and way too many ciggie breaks. already though. . . its amazing to think that something like the "punk scene" can exist in such a rejecting and isolating world. actually, on second thought, probably a pretty expected reaction. within hours of being here i am starting to feel the warm tinges of new friendship burning their way into my heart.

in somewhat related news: i've been thinking about how boys/guys/dudes/men relate to eachother, how insanely taboo it is for a male to express emotion to another, to be sincere, genuine, AUTHENTIC. i've experienced so much of this travelling around the country, spending time with so so many dudes, both new and old. it definitely makes so clear how incredibly fortunate i am to have the friends that i do have, as luckily i really feel like i am surrounded with a bunch of totally solid guys who aren't afraid of that shit at all.

here's a statement i'd like to make:

i really like the idea that despite the world being a completely meaningless void, we as humans are capable of being guided by love to find meaning and hope in each other.