snacks demo v 3.0

for so long i left my position of power in this society unquestioned, ignored the privileges i've been granted. upon becoming concious of these phenomena, my initial reaction was guilt and shame, the construction of a self loathing persona, and a valuing of "victimhood". for so long i had been attracted to the role of victim, placing that label upon myself with even the slightest of justifications. never questioning why, or how, or even what it meant.


lately there's been a question of the validity of my labeling certain moments of "trauma" as anything more than an acute awakening to, or clarity/awareness of, the position of power i hold in my relation to society. contesting any and all identifications i may have with the role of victim. questioning the classification of events in my life as "injurious", rather than simply as disruptions to expectations, inversions of the dynamics that i am used to. are the stories i tell myself simply self imposed fabrications of victimhood used as a defense, an effort to escape the guilt of my position? am i using it to avoid actively challenging my place in a structure that categorizes humans based on generalized characteristics, creates distinctions between those generalized categories, and grants certain distinguished groups within these categories the advantages of assumed values and traits(innocence, skill, worth, etc.) while other groups generally are denied or lack these character assumptions? can an able-bodied, affluent, straight, white, male ever legitimate any "percieved" injury to himself?


all this questioning just leads to further self loathing and guilt, paralyzing me and forcing me into a place of theorizing and non-action, right? no. doubting and ctritiquing my thoughts and actions is not about digging for reasons to hate myself, it is instead, a process of creating counter-stories to all the things i've let myself believe for so long. this creation is not about replacing one "truth" with another, but rather, it is a tool. in the act of juggling strories and counter stories, the recognition of this contestation of facts has the affect of making their nature, as "stories", increasingly apparent. the process of generalized story-building altogether is thus made apparent, and at this point, its limitations are able to be transcended.


without a need to produce more stories, action is now possible.

the only question that remains is "what do i need to heal?".